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Thread: Parenting in the Parks: Naughty Kids in the Parks

  1. #26
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bennette View Post
    Everything I need to know, I learned on MousePlanet.
    Just remember, I'm the mean mom.
    Planning 3 trips at once...

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  3. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by bennette View Post
    Everything I need to know, I learned on MousePlanet.
    Are you sure you only want to rely on us Mouseplanet Moms for information? LOL

  4. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    Just remember, I'm the mean mom.
    Andy was calling me the "Mean Mom" at 2...he's nine now and still does...lol

  5. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by bennette View Post
    Everything I need to know, I learned on MousePlanet.
    Exactly! I had to explain to my mom things like "doors are a privilege" when I said something about my older girls finally getting their bedroom door back.

  6. #30
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Princesses1Prince View Post
    Exactly! I had to explain to my mom things like "doors are a privilege" when I said something about my older girls finally getting their bedroom door back.
    You know, if it gets bad enough, you go to minimum requirements. You need to provide them a bed, clean clothes (a pair of jeans and plain white tee shirt meet this requirement), and food (PB and J or bologna sandwiches meet this requirement.) If behavior declines, then so does the provisions provided.

    Now, while we talk about discipline, the other side of the coin is once sentence has been served, and behavior is changed, as adults, we need to get past it. (Something my ex couldn't do.)

    For example, a couple years ago, we were at Disneyland with Adk. We had my nieces. It was the first ride of the day, California Screamin'. Adk and I were sitting off while the kids rode. It was the younger nieces first time riding. Her sister was teasing her about being afraid. She reacted by kicking at the other kids. Next thing I knew, here comes Youngest with niece 2 in tow. Dropped her with me saying "She's in trouble" and she headed back to the line. I asked niece what happened and she explained "They were teasing me telling me I was going to be scared and they made me mad." I asked her what she should have done. "Tell MDM." Are you going to do that next time? Yes. Then I had her sit down facing away from myself and Adk while we waited for the others. When they came off the ride, she apologized, and it was over and we headed to the next ride. No holding it over her for the rest of the day or trip. Its done, sentence served, move on.
    Planning 3 trips at once...

  7. #31
    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    Now, while we talk about discipline, the other side of the coin is once sentence has been served, and behavior is changed, as adults, we need to get past it. (Something my ex couldn't do.)
    she apologized, and it was over and we headed to the next ride. No holding it over her for the rest of the day or trip. Its done, sentence served, move on.
    Ugh, I so totally agree. Arg broke a rule last year at school. It was something he reacted to and badly. The principal came down on him pretty hard. During the discussion of how we "should punish him" I actually originally agreed to 3 days at home with no computer time. I felt pressured into it by the principal and my son's primary aide in the classroom. We typically don't do punishments that last overnight. We have always felt that the next day was a "New day and a fresh start". There is no reason to carry punishments over several days...especially with an autistic child who isn't going to understand why they are being punished for so long. In our case, he will simply find other things to amuse him and it actually becomes a "he simply doesn't care about the punishment anymore" if it is too long. After one day of this No Computer time, I dropped it. I told the school, it wasn't up to them to tell me how to discipline my child at home and that three days wasn't going to do a thing with an aspie. Move on! ...and I know that sounds like I caved. Well, I guess I did, but I made the decision that was best for us. Every child is different

  8. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by mckat View Post
    One of my wisest moments as a Mom was actually just dumb luck (like many of my best moments). I realized, I too "misbehave". I found myself one of our first trips getting really angry and frustrated. It was for a good reason (daughter would not stay with the group). But definitely caused a bad attitude on my part. Since then, I've tried when at Disney to live by the mantra- it's all about your attitude. (generally true, but I do a better job at disney). So I have over the years enlisted my kids and we all keep an eye on each other, watching for each others attitude slipping into grumpy areas. Then we have a kind or funny way to remind each other. Like "Hey we are Disney". Or my son just gives me that knowing smile and says he loves me. I usually then take a deep breath, smile and apologize- or just wink. I of course keep an eye on them too. But the knowledge that we all have trouble doing the right thing, and it isn't just about punishment (I also parent my kids behavior as a Mom as well) but sometimes about helping each other be the best. As I said, it really was just a small idea. But I think it has helped them see I parent because it is an important job, and they see I try to change too.
    Our family has also finally learned this! We don't do well when we are hungry, tired or hot and have started to learn how to recognize the signs of these things in each other and someone will then suggest its time for a snack, rest etc. of course it helps now that the kids are 16 and 19! Wish we knew this when they were 2 and 5 but we learned other things or did other things thru those years.

  9. #33
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dsnyredhead View Post
    t three days wasn't going to do a thing with an aspie. Move on! ...and I know that sounds like I caved. Well, I guess I did, but I made the decision that was best for us. Every child is different
    Yes, but we often did longer term consequences. But when I say "No holding over", I mean once the punishment is over, not the day. We would do "No electronics" for a week, which meant no computers/ipods/Gameboys/X Box, etc... And autistics can relate days later. When my kids would ask "Can I have my Gameboy back?" it was an easy conversation to go back to "Remember how you argued with me over the limits on how long you could use the computer, and you aren't allowed to use the Game Boy til next Tuesday? If you hadn't argued with me, you could have had it. Now, you can get a book or go outside and play." But you have to be willing to stick to the consequences.
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  10. #34
    Simba's Pride *Nala*'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    If the child is throwing a fit, and are given the candy bar, what will happen in the future? They are being set up for failure.
    Quote Originally Posted by MammaSilva View Post
    The bottom line in parenting is being consistent and being willing to put in the work. Watching another mom do a basket hold on her toddler in the middle of target comes to mind. You do have to pick your battles but don't lose when you do.
    I agree with all of this, and my kids definitely don't get candy when they pitch a fit. Treats and special privileges go away when they are in tantrum mode, and they know it. When the 3 year old calms down and I ask him "why didn't you get to <bring a toy in the car, have a sticker, pick a treat>" he knows the reason and will answer. On the other hand, in the Trader Joes example I mentioned, he was behaving alright and asked if he could pick out some fruit. I said "after I finish getting my salads." I look up and he is over at the fruit and has a thing of grapes in his arms. I told him to put it down and listen and come back by me. He did, but started crying. I finished getting my salads and we had a talk about screaming for things. Then I asked him "How do you get things." He said "May I please have some grapes?" So I let him get them. Fresh fruit, something that isn't bad for him, he calmed down quickly and did it right. I would NOT have let him do that if he had continued in tantrum mode.

    However it's possible someone may have seen him screaming and then later saw him end up with the grapes, and then complained to somebody about "that horrible mother who let her kid run wild all over Trader Joes and scream for grapes." It's so easy to make a judgment based on a 1 or 2 or 10 minute snapshot of someone's life, and we all do it, but I do my best not to do it with other parents. Parenting is awesome and rewarding and I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, but it is easily the most exhausting thing I have ever done. I am far from a perfect mother but I do my best and I like to think most parents do too, and if I see the kid or parent at their worst it isn't always how they are.
    Jen
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  11. #35
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by *Nala* View Post
    It's so easy to make a judgment based on a 1 or 2 or 10 minute snapshot of someone's life, and we all do it, but I do my best not to do it with other parents.
    I do agree. It is hard. AND there are more good parents than bad. And your scenario works out, it was a learning experience. I've done similar things too. Back up, repeat the situation how the child should have acted, then reward the proper behavior. I've even replayed it where even after asking properly, I've said no because it wasn't on my list/I had other fruits I wanted/price was too high/any other reason I said no. But I've also watched things from start to finish, where the candy bar/grapes/toy are used simply to shut the child up.

    It is too bad the poor parenting stands out more. When we are dining at Pizza Port, and you have other people's children under your table, while mom and dad are busy talking with friends, it is hard to look around and spot all the children behaving properly. And the excuse is often "It's Disneyland, you have to expect the kids to be running around." But other children are sitting appropriately.

    I will never forget the mom who allowed her child to stand on a restaurant bench/table to play with a light over the table with the excuse "He's just a kid."
    Planning 3 trips at once...

  12. #36
    Happiness is that smile MammaSilva's Avatar
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    I think that one of the most difficult parts of parenting in public is that 'worry' about what others might be thinking about you and your child. One of my favorite people has her 3 trained ... too bad for you that your mom doesn't embarrass in public easily as she applies whatever discipline is appropriate at the moment. The trader Joe story is perfect, he 'turned it around' and because he did he got his request, but you had a plan in place in the event he continued to tantrum. Sounds like you've got things under control. Kids will test, that's their job, it's ours to define the lines of what is and isn't ok and then be so consistent that they figure it out too.

    Life is too short to wake up with regrets ~So love the people who treat you right
    Forget about those who don't ~ Believe everything happens for a reason.
    If you get a chance, take it If it changes your life, let it ~Nobody said life would be easy,
    they just promised it would most likely be worth it~ remember, Sometimes Miracles Hide

  13. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    We would do "No electronics" for a week, which meant no computers/ipods/Gameboys/X Box, etc... And autistics can relate days later. When my kids would ask "Can I have my Gameboy back?" it was an easy conversation to go back to "Remember how you argued with me over the limits on how long you could use the computer, and you aren't allowed to use the Game Boy til next Tuesday? If you hadn't argued with me, you could have had it. Now, you can get a book or go outside and play." But you have to be willing to stick to the consequences.
    I think for my "complicated" child, the longer consequences work better. No electronics for one day? That's one thing. Ground him for multiple days? That sends a message. "How does it feel to want, kiddo? Maybe you should remember this next time you make that choice..." And, yes, I'm the meanest mom on Earth and completely unreasonable and my system is "Stupid." There's consequences for that, too, by the way. I've learned to issue those after he's calmed down.

    I was blessed to find an expert medical group that specialized in Gifted/ADHD/Spectrum/All of the Above/Some of the Above/Alphabet Soup kids. They literally handed me a handbook and said 'Do this.' We now have a great structure in place. Oh, you broke a rule, here's your consequence, you're grounded until it's over. And yep, some of them take a couple of days to get through. But when they're done with their consequences, THEN I let it go. And it's not done until it's done. "Did you finish your cards? Well then, no, you can't play on the computer until you finish your cards."

    I've had parents say to me "What does that mean?" and my kids say to their kids "DON'T LET YOUR PARENTS GET THE CARDS!!!" Yeah, they put up a fuss but ultimately, they know that our system is structured, clear, and it makes me and Doc a lot more consistent. (Clear, structured and consistent? I don't care what alphabet soup a kid has, every kid does well with that!! My less complicated kids do as well as my alphabet soup kid.) It took a LOT of work to get it going. A lot. But a few years later, it's been so worth it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    I will never forget the mom who allowed her child to stand on a restaurant bench/table to play with a light over the table with the excuse "He's just a kid."
    For me it was the mom in Target whose child fell asleep holding a toy. When she was at the check out stand, she took the toy away. The child woke up crying for the toy. So she took it back off the shelf and gave it back to him. My eyes must've bulged out. She looked at me and said "Anything to buy myself some peace, right?" I thought "Honey, you just sold out your peace for a LONG time." I can't imagine how many times she'd have to say "no" to get this kid to forget the one time she said yes.
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  14. #38

    For us, at Disneyland, we go too often to loosen the behavior strings. My kids know what is expected and what will happen if they don't behave. I am guilty of having to remind kids too often what is expected of them, but we will carry through with threats if behavior does not improve and the number of friendly reminders they get is inversely proportionate to the behavior and it's impact on either safety or the enjoyment of others.

    At Disneyland we have a general "one foot on the ground at all times" rule. This prevents them from climbing on things they are not supposed to climb on or sitting on things (i.e. queue railings/poles) that they are not supposed to sit on. A child who is otherwise behaving will get many, many reminders of this rule if needed. A child who is otherwise misbehaving will get an immediate consequence. This family rule is especially hard since my kids are at the age where they can see that other kids are misbehaving and getting away with it.

    We just got back from (a non-Disney) vacation and there we did relax the house rules a bit because we were on vacation (but never so relaxed that it should negatively impact other people). One day we were swimming in the hotel pool and my oldest thought it was great fun to jump into the pool, which was only 3-4' deep. After being told that he could not do this (it splashed water outside of the pool and was a potential safety hazard) the next time he "forgot" he had a brief time out and then practiced how to properly get into a pool that doesn't have steps about 10 times before he was allowed back in. The next time he forgot he was out of the pool for good.

    The other memorable part of our trip relative to this thread was a time when my son was sobbing because his misbehavior had resulted in a time-out which resulted in his not getting to go on all of the playground equipment at a neighborhood park and my unwisely telling him that we were not going to return to that park on this trip. I let him cry for a while but when he showed no sign of stopping I turned to my mom and asked her if she wanted a mint. She probably didn't but she played along and said yes and I asked my husband to get them out. Mints were passed all around including to my son who knew from past experience that he would have to calm down if he wanted one (plus it's really hard to cry when you are sucking on a mint). He calmed down, got the mint, and was fine thereafter. I would never beg my kid to calm down and offer them a mint (or anything else) as a bribe to get them to do so. But I have no problem offering other people a treat and letting him know he can have one "once he is ready." I know on the one hand it is "just" semantics since at the the end you have a kid with a treat, but I'm inclined to believe that in the real world there is a huge difference since as people above have said, rewarding a kid for having a tantrum only encourages more of them, whereas rewarding a kid for good behavior hopefully encourages more of that instead.


  15. #39
    Quote Originally Posted by adriennek View Post
    For me it was the mom in Target whose child fell asleep holding a toy. When she was at the check out stand, she took the toy away. The child woke up crying for the toy. So she took it back off the shelf and gave it back to him. My eyes must've bulged out. She looked at me and said "Anything to buy myself some peace, right?" I thought "Honey, you just sold out your peace for a LONG time." I can't imagine how many times she'd have to say "no" to get this kid to forget the one time she said yes.
    I've been "that" mom at Target with their (around) $2 giant balls. My daughter really wanted (another) one and she was generally behaving so I let her have it. She carried it all around the store and, since it was almost as big as she is, and she was trying to bounce it in the store, it rolled away fairly frequently. I pegged her behavior at "mildly disruptive" as she did have to chase it down as it rolled past other shoppers. She was happy enough to have it, chased it quietly, and it did let me shop in relative peace. But I did do the sheepish grin with the "it's worth it to keep her happy" comment to a few other shoppers. Hopefully no one was too upset with my parenting choices that day.

    I have been known to laugh at my kids when they tantrum over wanting something and ask them "has that ever actually worked in this house?"

  16. #40
    Simba's Pride *Nala*'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by currence View Post
    At Disneyland we have a general "one foot on the ground at all times" rule. This prevents them from climbing on things they are not supposed to climb on or sitting on things (i.e. queue railings/poles) that they are not supposed to sit on. A child who is otherwise behaving will get many, many reminders of this rule if needed. A child who is otherwise misbehaving will get an immediate consequence. This family rule is especially hard since my kids are at the age where they can see that other kids are misbehaving and getting away with it.
    Love this and I think I will steal it for our next trip! And we also go to Disneyland way too often to have different rules there. We don't do a ton of sugary snacks and the kids still need to take their naps. The 3 year old knows "If I nap in the stroller, I will wake up at Disneyland."
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  17. #41
    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    I will never forget the mom who allowed her child to stand on a restaurant bench/table to play with a light over the table with the excuse "He's just a kid."
    I think my kid did that once as a toddler...I quickly grabbed him and sat him back down with a stern no.

  18. #42
    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    Yes, but we often did longer term consequences.
    I think what got to me most about the situation last year with my son was that he misbehaved at school and school was trying to dictate to me how to punish my son at home for something that happened at school. They totally treated me like I did not know to penalize my son and could not do it without their intervention.

  19. #43

    Your stories make me feel better. Just tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't like age 3 right now. Tantrum's are funny though. I really don't understand why my daughter will cry about wanting something (not for things at a store, she's actually not done that yet). We don't give in, but she still throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way.

    She is one of those that often finds punishments funny. This started at a very young age. Just before turning one she would hit me and laugh. We began putting her in timeout, but when the timeout was over she would get out and hit me again and laugh. I had to come up with a different solution to that problem. I can always tell now when she doesn't feel the least bit sorry for her misbehavior because she'll go to timeout content, sometimes laughing or being goofy. Generally if she goes to timeout crying then I know she's feeling some remorse for her behavior.


  20. #44
    Quote Originally Posted by bumblebeeonarose View Post
    She is one of those that often finds punishments funny. This started at a very young age. Just before turning one she would hit me and laugh. We began putting her in timeout, but when the timeout was over she would get out and hit me again and laugh.
    My son often laughs in the face of punishment...then when he decides we are serious about the punishment, then he goes into tantrum mode over it. We don't let him get away with stuff and usually as the arguing continues...he loses more and more. Stop at Point A, you could have only lost this...Stop at Point C....now you've added this and this to your punishment. He doesn't know when in it best to stop which we are trying to teach him.

  21. #45
    Registered User codewoman's Avatar
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    When my youngest was three he slammed his bedroom door. I immediately and calmly retrieved a screwdriver, pulled the pins from the door, and removed the door (leaned it up against the wall in the hallway). His response was "Fine! I don't need a door." I was worried that this might not be as effective as it could be. However, a couple days later, he came to me with his sweet face on asking, "How can I get my door back?" A sigh of relief. We had him earn his door again.

    He's only slammed his door a few times since (he's now 13) and always on accident. Each time it was followed by a prompt apology.

    At one point my oldest son was being disciplined for sneaking out at night. One of the privileges we took away was his bedroom door. That was very effective. I had the son of a friend tell me he was not allowed to close his bedroom door -- ever. He said he did one time and his father put a fist through it.

    Children need privacy for changing clothes, bathing and using the bathroom. None of those require a bedroom door.

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  22. #46
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    When mine slammed the door, I removed the door knob. A week later when he was angry that the door wouldn't slam, he went and pushed it so it made the slamming noise. That got the pins removed. (Which also resulted in my losing the pins, so he was without a door for about 2-3 years.)

    When Escape Artist was about 12, he lost computer privs for a week. I put his computer in my room. He took it, which earned him an additional week, and I put it in my room. He took it again. This earned him 2 more weeks and all other electronics. They stop laughing when the punishments get serious enough.

    Planning 3 trips at once...

  23. #47

    My aunt took her daughter's door away once too.

    How severe can a punishment be at three though... There are not too many things she really cares about, she's not attached to much. She wouldn't care if I took her toys, except the one she sleeps with. And I read never take that away because it is their comfort. We usually take the TV away because that is something she does like. However, that sometimes leads to more naughty behavior as she now doesn't have a movie to distract her. The other thing we use is a baby gate. We'll put it up if she won't stay in bed at night. She can actually take it down, but for some reason she only takes it down in the morning. It is like she knows that once it's up she's lost and must go to bed. She's not old enough for other electronics, so I really don't have much to take away.


  24. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by bumblebeeonarose View Post
    She's not old enough for other electronics, so I really don't have much to take away.
    How about favorite foods? As Malcon10t has said before, the kids need to be fed, but there's nothing that says they need to be fed their favorite foods or anything fancy. Any kinds of sweets, dessert, candy, etc. can be taken away as well. I think it comes down to what Malcon10t said about knowing what currency is important to your child.
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  25. #49
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bumblebeeonarose View Post
    There are not too many things she really cares about, she's not attached to much.
    I took ME away. Time out meant they got none of my attention. Even returning them to timeout was silent. Separation from the pack. That would bother them more than anything else.
    Planning 3 trips at once...

  26. #50
    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    I took ME away. Time out meant they got none of my attention. Even returning them to timeout was silent. Separation from the pack. That would bother them more than anything else.
    This is one technique that does tend to work pretty well with our son. I've also used the "would you like me to call one of our relatives (even dad, but Aunt or grandparent works best) and tell them all about what you did". I will say it takes alot to get me to drop to "I'll call anyone other than your dad"....and dad hears just about everything so that's not really a big deal to him.

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