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Thread: Parenting in the Parks: Naughty Kids in the Parks

  1. #76
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by adriennek View Post
    My youngest was doing his pouting thing. It's not really tantrum level anymore, but when he's NOT happy, he lets EVERYONE know. I was with another Padder and we were talking about this thread, actually. I realized I hadn't taken away ME. I was feeding his pout!

    So I stopped. I just started ignoring him. I stopped trying to talk him out of the pout. I stopped trying to lecture him out of the pout. I just started to ignore him.
    This is so hard. As adults, so often we have to have the last word or feel like we need to show we have the power. If you have to show it, you don't have it. AND it isn't always the right thing. The secret is to know when it is the right thing.

    Like I told my kids when they were little, our family is NOT a democracy. We are a dictatorship, and I *was* the dictator (that has changed....) That's not to say I won't take their ideas, thoughts, concerns, wants, needs, etc into consideration, but they weren't making the rules.
    Planning 3 trips at once...

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  3. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    This is so hard. As adults, so often we have to have the last word or feel like we need to show we have the power. If you have to show it, you don't have it. AND it isn't always the right thing. The secret is to know when it is the right thing.
    You know, it's REALLY funny you said that because the other day I was thinking it.

    I have the power. I know I have the power. Sometimes, I forget I have the power and I get sucked in and have to say something and then I feel lame. I'm proudest of when I keep my mouth shut. They know who has the control. They know who has the power. That's part of the reason they're not happy.
    Parenting in the Parks[/url]
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  4. #78
    At home in the hills candles71's Avatar
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    I am so behind on this thread.
    Tantrums and removing yourself, my cousin was about 2, so I was 8ish, my mom babysat him. She had taken us to the park to play, but it was time to go. He threw himself down in the parking lot and had a tantrum. I was so shocked when my mom just calmly walked away. (Quiet parking lot and she was close enough if a car did come in.) It stuck vividly in my head. The first time I ever used this trick? Whistler's brother was 6, when we were dating, he started to throw a tantrum in Kmart, it so worked. This is what I used on the kids. One of them, would get up and follow me and throw themselves at my feet again. I never said a word, I just calmly walked away again.
    Fighting over a toy? G and B are 16 months apart, N and A are 3 years apart, with a 5 year gap between B and N. I just never wanted to figure out who had what and when, the toy got taken away and went into the tool jail (basket on top of a bookcase they couldn't reach). It worked very well with G and B, there were times with N and A, where one of them would start a fight to get the toy taken from the other. Which if it was clear, got the offending party in trouble.
    The nieces and nephews all know Auntie C and Uncle Whistler have much stricter rules than any of their homes. They all LOVE to spend time at Auntie and Uncles, so that says something. Our kids know if they break one of our rules (more the saftey rules) while at another home, they are still in trouble. Usually grounded from that cousin's home. One nephew climbed in my front passenger seat right after he turned 13 with the cutest kind of smug look on his face (his parents let the kids sit in the front with airbags), I knew what he was doing so I let the smug look slide, and just winked at him.

    Fit throwing. G was a fit thrower, she would get herself so worked up she couldn't calm herself down a few times. We resorted to placing her in the tub and pouring tepid (not cold, not hot) water over her head, careful that we weren't throwing it in her face. It was the only thing that worked when she got that upset. The last time she was about 4 1/2 and was mad at her bff for putting the coat that went on the Dwarves, so they could dance with Snow White, onto a Barbie. It didn't belong there. ETA: She was also my logic based child, if she had a why for a rule, she followed it to the letter. Hold mom's hand in the street, so not get run over, ok.

    ADK we count, with a stated consequence at the end. It usually works quite well, because the kids have to find a compromise that works, they also have to know that your compromise, they won't like.

    Disneyredhead, I see where you are coming from. Our school is very good about the discipline being at school, with a notification to the parent. If it is something that warrants additional discipline at home, they leave it to the parent. Usually, at least for us, it just needs additional dialog at home. Quite honesty, a good number of parents won't follow up at home, so I don't understand why they would dictate his home punishment.


  5. #79

    Read this article today and it made me think of this thread (and high school psychology class) http://www.deseretnews.com/article/8...ment.html?pg=1


  6. #80
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    THANK YOU! Love the article. Especially this part: "Parents may behave differently in different settings, Bober said. A child can cry to get a pack of gum at the store and perhaps win because it embarrasses an adult. At home, it wouldn't fly. Don't do it, he said. "No means no and has to mean no all the time. It's easier to withhold power from a child than to give it and then try to take it back.""

    Planning 3 trips at once...

  7. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    THANK YOU! Love the article. Especially this part: "Parents may behave differently in different settings, Bober said. A child can cry to get a pack of gum at the store and perhaps win because it embarrasses an adult. At home, it wouldn't fly. Don't do it, he said. "No means no and has to mean no all the time. It's easier to withhold power from a child than to give it and then try to take it back.""
    Brilliant.

    It works in reverse, too - I've had people ask how we got our kids to stay in high chairs in restaurants. They sat in a high chair at home. And crying at home didn't get them out of the high chair, either.
    Parenting in the Parks[/url]
    Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with what happens to you.[/b]
    "You should do totally do this thing, but just remember, it's going to suck eggs" #ThingsMyFriendsSayToMe

  8. #82

    We saw this last weekend at Legoland. We were there with friends who were about the same age as our kids (approx 7 & 5) and their boy was having a meltdown. I don't recall specifically what triggered it, but he was literally hitting dad, who just sat there and took it, with no consequence to the kid. Dad then decided that the kid was melting down because he was hungry so they left in search of food. They returned a few minutes later with a bag of popcorn. Really? Your kid is melting down and gets a treat?

    Later, my kid's behavior was a little rowdier than I preferred and I calmly asked him if he needed a time-out. My kid said no and immediately fixed his behavior. The other kid seemed shocked that my child still got time-outs. My child also lost dessert that day for something else, which is one of my husband's favorite things to take away. But typically I would prefer to immediately correct the behavior and move-on, rather than to have a delayed punishment.

    I wasn't planning on still giving kids time-outs when they were in High School, but at what age are those replaced with other forms of punishment? I felt bad threatening one in front of his friend after his friend reacted so strongly. We also take away "electronics" based on behavior at school but most of what we put a kid in time-out for is behavior that needs to immediately stop, ideally with a few minutes to reflect on why the behavior was inappropriate. Do older kids still get put in "time-out" without it being called that (aka "go to your room")?


  9. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by currence View Post
    Dad then decided that the kid was melting down because he was hungry so they left in search of food. They returned a few minutes later with a bag of popcorn. Really? Your kid is melting down and gets a treat?
    I will say this: We do have this issue, usually with one of my "Bookends" - a meltdown caused by low-blood sugar. That said, while yes, we'll get food for them, there will usually be a consequence for the meltdown. There have been times that the meltdown was entirely my fault for not paying better attention to the child. The consequence might be something along the lines of: Ok, well, clearly, we can't stop to do this ride right now, you need to take a break. The snack might be popcorn - with string cheese out of a back pack. Usually it's a pretzel. It wouldn't be ice cream, that's for sure.

    I wasn't planning on still giving kids time-outs when they were in High School, but at what age are those replaced with other forms of punishment? I felt bad threatening one in front of his friend after his friend reacted so strongly. We also take away "electronics" based on behavior at school but most of what we put a kid in time-out for is behavior that needs to immediately stop, ideally with a few minutes to reflect on why the behavior was inappropriate. Do older kids still get put in "time-out" without it being called that (aka "go to your room")?
    We have a very structured consequence system that consists of assigning chores for breaking rules that applies to children of every age in our home. (The consequences are modified for the youngest versus the oldest to even out the playing field. A chore might be too hard for the youngest so he gets an adaptation of the chore.) But. We do the things you've described here. It's still a time out even if we don't call it a time out. We'll send children to their rooms. We take away electronics, including television, hand-held games, etc. They get grounded until they finish their chores - so the time-outs might last more than a few minutes or carry over more than a day. Currently there's a child in our home who is grounded from electronics for a couple of weeks because he took advantage of a situation this weekend. Taking it away for one day doesn't work because he might not even miss it in one day - He has so much time spent at school, Scouts, church and with homework that if we only took it away for a day or two or a week, he might not even have a chance to miss it.
    Parenting in the Parks[/url]
    Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with what happens to you.[/b]
    "You should do totally do this thing, but just remember, it's going to suck eggs" #ThingsMyFriendsSayToMe

  10. #84
    It was a good day! Malcon10t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by currence View Post
    I wasn't planning on still giving kids time-outs when they were in High School, but at what age are those replaced with other forms of punishment? I felt bad threatening one in front of his friend after his friend reacted so strongly. We also take away "electronics" based on behavior at school but most of what we put a kid in time-out for is behavior that needs to immediately stop, ideally with a few minutes to reflect on why the behavior was inappropriate. Do older kids still get put in "time-out" without it being called that (aka "go to your room")?
    I think the term changed from "Time Out" to "Grounded" as they got older. And I rarely used their rooms for time outs, they were too interesting, too much there for them. The bathroom was a time out spot for a while (until there was an incident there...) Or in the hallway.

    Just a note, if you are absent-minded, or have a lot on your mind and tend to forget things, make sure you note WHY you have grounded them... That way, when they call the next day and say "Mom, I know I am grounded, but can you remind me why? I don't remember...." you don't have to say "I have no clue." And then let them off cause how can you punish them when no one knows what for.... BTDT...
    Planning 3 trips at once...

  11. #85

    If one of the kids is melting down the first thing we do is feed them. Popcorn is one of the things we use and I have no issues with that. I do think parents get too caught up in worrying that they are giving in to bad behavior and get too strict. Kids don't need to be on such a tight leash. They learn good behavior by watching their parents. If mine act up, I whisper. It usually works. I feed them. I redirect....all the normal stuff parents do. Most important thing is to remain calm yourself (which can be hard with 5 whining boys) but if you remain calm it all works out pretty quickly. And let the little stuff go. Pick which battles are really important.


  12. #86

    I "grounded" my three year-old the other day. She had been watching Mickey's Prince and the Pauper just fine. (And this is what I get for not paying better attention) She suddenly dumped a cup of water on baby brother's face. She has been obsessed with playing with water (from the fridge) lately and has been punished for it every time, but continues to do it. I turned the TV off and announced that there would be no TV and no treats for 2 days. We went to my MIL's the next day (where DD wanted candy but couldn't have any). MIL said that 2 days was too long for a three year-old. I explained that she had already had most of her TV time the day it happened (and a treat) so only taking the privileges away on that day would not have mattered since she'd already had them. She still said she was too young for punishments to carry over to the next day. But it worked! She hasn't played with the water again.


  13. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post
    I think the term changed from "Time Out" to "Grounded" as they got older. And I rarely used their rooms for time outs, they were too interesting, too much there for them. The bathroom was a time out spot for a while (until there was an incident there...) Or in the hallway.
    The stair landing. It doesn't usually get that far but someone had to sit on the stair landing for a while the other day and he did NOT like it. (It's really a mid-way landing, not at the top of the stairs.) I kept trying to find a place that he couldn't turn into something interesting. That one did it.
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  14. #88
    some imagination, huh? DisneyFunFamily4's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malcon10t View Post

    Just a note, if you are absent-minded, or have a lot on your mind and tend to forget things, make sure you note WHY you have grounded them... That way, when they call the next day and say "Mom, I know I am grounded, but can you remind me why? I don't remember...." you don't have to say "I have no clue." And then let them off cause how can you punish them when no one knows what for.... BTDT...
    Oh my, I'm cracking up. This is SO me! Both girls have asked me "mommy why did you take my (insert electronic device here, TV etc) away?" Me: "gosh, I dont remember but you must have done something bad" but on the bright side the other child will usually remember why since they are the one who didn't get in trouble. I'm really glad I'm not the only one.

  15. #89
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    Yesterday, I threw away my first toy. M dumped his toy box (again) and was saying "It was too hard to clean up." I calmly explained he must have too many toys so I would throw some away until he could do the job. I threw away a little rubber ball.... the crying starts. No cleaning. I went back and threw away a teeny rubber duckie that has never been looked at. The crying gets LOUD- but the cleaning starts quickly! He asked for Duckie today, but I reminded him Duckie got throw away. I am hoping this lesson sticks... for a while at least!

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  16. #90

    Just a thought Mermaid - at our house the toys get donated to charity/kids who will treat them nicely/kids who don't have way too many, rather than thrown away. Not that charity necessarily needs a little rubber ball or duckie, but just a thought if you need to escalate in the future.


  17. #91
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    Oooh good idea. I was hoping he would kick it in gear soon as I was running out of cheapie toys and I wasn't really wanting to throw away one that he truly does like... at least not yet. I am willing to if need be.... but it made an impact for now. I like the charity idea for the real toys in the future though!

    Why do people go on The Amazing Race without bothering to learn how to drive a stick shift?

  18. #92
    At home in the hills candles71's Avatar
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    G and B would dump their whole toy box looking for something specific. I figured out shelves with tubs worked much better for them. More organized. They only got out the tub they wanted. Hot wheels for instance. B knew he had to pick up all the hot wheels before he could get out the next tub. There was some allowances made like using the blocks to make roads for instance. They had an easier time and cleaning up the whole thing was less daunting.
    I forgot this and had a toybox for N. We were given it. It didn't last too long, although she didn't mind cleaning up the "whole" thing.


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