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disneyland addict13
10-08-2006, 07:27 PM
This weekend my 9th grade Honors LA teacher assigned my class to write a vignette (a short writing piece) about a specific time in our life when we felt that we grew up a little bit. We were instructed to "show" and not "tell." I decided that this would be a great opportunity to write about my passion in life, Disneyland. So I wrote a vignette about my trip to Disneyland last summer with my entire family including many of my small cousins. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.


Dreams Do Come True

A warm, slightly sticky hand slips into mine as I tightly grip my Disneyland park pass with the other. My eyes shift down to the little girl clinging to my hand like it was a life preserver in a deep ocean. She is 2 years old with hair as yellow as a blooming daisy that has a life of its own and has been unsuccessfully wrangled into two sloppy pigtails shooting off into the air. Her socks are mismatched; one is a bright pink and the other an electric green. Remnants of that morning’s bowl of cold cereal adorn her bright red cheeks. However, looking into her eyes, I know that none of these imperfections matter. We are about to enter the happiest place on earth where a child’s fantasies come true and the possibilities are endless. I feel something inside me change as I see the twinkle in my tiny cousin’s sparkling blue eyes. We step through the gates into Disneyland as the high pitched chirp emitted from the ticket taking machine announces that our tickets are valid. As I hear my cousin’s bubbly giggle released upon spotting Mickey Mouse, I realize that it is now her turn to enjoy the magic of this amazing place and my turn to bask in the wonder of seeing her childhood delight.

MammaSilva
10-08-2006, 07:33 PM
Ok, I love the details except I have to say that unless you took your cousin without your mom or aunt, I highly doubt her face was dirty or she had on mismatched socks, if you want to tug on heart strings and 'show' you could go more with the glow of excitement or something, right now you have her sounding like the adults in her life didn't give much attention to her that morning....it takes away from the story for me in a lot of ways....

SeansMom
10-08-2006, 07:49 PM
Nicely done, disney addict. Great details! I enjoyed reading it.

jcruise86
10-08-2006, 07:57 PM
Disneyaddict13,
I have a M.A. in English Literature and and M.F.A. in film and television writing, and I've been a high school English teacher, so I feel qualified to state that you are off to an excellent start as a writer! Although you are only a 13-year-old ninth grader, I wanted to read the rest of your report/story, and if you post more if it, I am one of many people who will read it. Keep on writing (and reading!), and don't take any adult's criticisms or unwanted suggestions as the final word.

disneyland addict13
10-08-2006, 08:09 PM
Thanks for the great feedback!
Mammasilva, I see what you mean and I appreciate the constructive criticism.
Again, thank you!

MammaSilva
10-08-2006, 08:28 PM
Just so you understand, I love it, I just think the unkempt parts take away from the magic...

The Real Cinderella
10-08-2006, 09:42 PM
I have a two year old. He's always unkempt, no matter how hard I try, so I find it very believable and slightly endearing. Kids will always get sticky. There is always food clinging to them somewhere. It's the circle of life. You give them the food, they wear the food.

Well done, disney addict!

mommy-san
10-09-2006, 08:02 AM
If my kids aren't sticky when we go in, they sure are when we leave! (and they quite often are when we go in- chalk it up to excitement but those little details sometimes get overlooked)
Nice job on the piece.

kristinhawk
10-09-2006, 09:40 AM
I loved it - thank you for sharing. Keep up your writing!

Kricky
10-09-2006, 10:38 AM
I loved it, and thought the sticky unkempt part only added to the story. There's just something magical about children, period. They don't care if they're sticky. They don't care if their socks don't match. And to be entering Disneyland for the first time ... how wonderful! I felt like I was experiencing it with you. Great job! Did you get an 'A'? :D

Pirate Princess
10-09-2006, 11:07 PM
Well I sure know how my hands are after a churro/cotton candy/ice cream on a stick/greasy popcorn/etc. My poor kid is sticky from head to toe from both the day at the park and even before we enter from rushing out of the continental breakfast room so we can be one of the first in line at Disneyland! (We do some major scrub-downs at night when we get back to our hotel.)
I think your words are absolutely beautiful and whisked me away right into your experience. Keep the writing up! It is invaluable to your future (and sooo fun too!)