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Gemini Cricket
10-24-2001, 03:06 PM
I've been having these biological clock ticking, baby wanting, Ally McBeal moments... Everywhere I go I see babies. I'm seriously considering adopting and being a parent. However, I fear defaulting to the mistakes my folks made raising me.

Any advice?

Bill Catherall
10-24-2001, 03:14 PM
I hope you have a "special someone" to help you with the burden. Although it's not impossible to do it on your own. Single parents are doing it quite successfully. But I'm sure given a choice, they'd rather have the companionship there to help them.

Raising a kid can be a team effort. Putting your heads together to work out disciplinary issues. Tag team - when you just can't handle it any more. Also, you'll have someone else's upbringing to fall back on as an example if your's wasn't so great.

Do you get dancing babies visiting you? ;)

lisap
10-24-2001, 03:34 PM
Bill--I was going to say the same thing. Single parenting is not easy. My husband travels quite a bit--sometimes for weeks--and I get just a little taste of the single parenting lifestyle. It's tough, lonely and can be very frustrating. And I don't even have a full-time job--I have met many single parents who only get to spend a couple hours a day with their children--and this is spent feeding them and putting them to bed. Not the best way to raise a well adjusted child from what I have observed.

On the other hand--there are many children out there who have NO home, who live in institutions, and are "difficult" to place due to age (most people want babies). These children desperately need homes.

It's a tough decision--take your time thinking it over. Having a rough childhood will not stop you from being a wonderful parent, though...

lisap
10-24-2001, 03:41 PM
Originally posted by lisap
And I don't even have a full-time job--I have met many single parents who only get to spend a couple hours a day with their children--and this is spent feeding them and putting them to bed. Not the best way to raise a well adjusted child from what I have observed.


ok--I wanted to qualify this before I got flamed out of existence!

I know many adults raised by single parents who have turned out great--fine, upstanding citizens--my husband being one of them. But I think your odds look better if you are raised by a two parent household and at least one of them is able to spend a good chunk of time just being there.

MickeyD
10-24-2001, 04:01 PM
Um, things posted by Doc in other threads lead me to believe that he wouldn't be a single parent. I could be wrong though...

MammaSilva
10-24-2001, 05:06 PM
Doc...if you have a partner that is of the same mind to be a part of the parenting team then I say look into the adoption idea...do your research on costs of raising a child to adulthood... don't let your childhood stop you from the joys of parenting....if you are going it alone..it can be done but I'll join with the others that have told you single parenting is very tough...no one to ease the load.. and it is a load 24/7 and can be very draining emotionally without that support.....another aspect you want to consider is your extended familys view on adoption...it would be grossly unfair to a child to bring them into a situation where they were unwelcome at the extended family level as well...children don't have to have grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins but if they are already in exsistance being shunned by them would be painful.. both for you and the child..

Just some things to ponder on ....

adriennek
10-25-2001, 08:13 AM
You say you fear defaulting to the "mistakes" your parents made.

I wouldn't. If you are aware of behaviors that you don't want to repeat, you'll be less likely to repeat them. Or more likely to modify them.

When I was a teacher, the absolute most insulting thing that people said to me was "when you have your own it will be different." Oh, I hated that. But, I have to say it's so true. Sometimes I see myself doing something that I might have judged a parent for doing in the past. I usually modify it a bit but when you're with them long term, you sometimes understand the motivation a bit more. At least I've found that to be true.

It's definately a difficult, trying job. But when they come up and give you hugs and tell you that they love you, it's so worth it...

Adrienne K

Lani
10-25-2001, 09:09 AM
Let me post my disclaimer that I am not a parent nor have I ever been one.

Wanting a child very badly is a very natural feeling for many folks. In fact, a child brought into this environment is fortunate to have parents that felt so strongly about wanting one.

Think very carefully before you consider adopting one, though. Yes, adopting an unwanted baby is noble, but you will be a single parent. Are you independently wealthy such that you won't have to work? If you have to work everyday, then are you truly being a parent, or just being the billpayer? If not, you are going to need the support of those around you. How will they feel about the burden they will be under when you ask them to help you?

There are a lot of ways you can help young children and babies, without adopting one. You can volunteer at a hospital to help hold babies in the baby ward. You can volunteer to be a storyteller at your local public library. If you have friends who are recent parents, you can volunteer to visit regularly to help hold and entertain baby so mom has time to clean the house, etc.

Ralph Wiggum
10-25-2001, 10:35 AM
Even at 21 I know I want to adopt when I am older. I hope to get married and have a few biological kids (2 is my ideal but the wife might just have a say in that) and I want to adopt at least 1 child... I feel if you can afford it, and take care of the child, you should adopt.

I have also thought that if I get older and I am not married I would consider adopting as a single parent(once again. If I could afford it and take care of the child properly).

Morrigoon
10-27-2001, 11:24 PM
You might consider passing up a baby and adopting a slightly older child. They have a harder time getting adopted and are in just as much need of a loving home. Here in Vegas one of the channels actually broadcasts little video segments of kids needing to be adopted. Adopting a child who is or is nearly school age will not remove the burden of single parenting, but will perhaps ease the babysitting problem a bit. Again, not to mention the fact that they have a harder time finding homes.

I think it's great that you're considering adoption. If you have an S.O. who is like-minded, that's even better.

Another thing you might consider is siblings. "Instant family", and you would allow them to not be broken up, which would be a wonderful thing to do.

Even if it's a baby you want, I think it's terrific that you're considering adoption.

Morrigoon
10-27-2001, 11:27 PM
May I also offer to you that you "try out" the parenting thing? You could offer to babysit a friend's kids for a weekend while the folks take a needed "grownups vacation". Or you could offer to become a foster parent. Heck, take some relative's kids to DL for the day :)

BTW: I *LOVE* the Maynard avatar!

missnrowdy
10-31-2001, 03:08 PM
Hi all,
I've never posted on this board before but I gotta bite on this one.

Doc, anytime you get ready I'll be happy to ship my two darlings to you for an extended visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm an adoption worker for the State of Texas and I know all about those ticking sounds. Take my advice........become a foster parent first and see if this is a step you really want to take. Adoption can be a wild ride make sure you know what your getting yourself into.

By the way, I'm also a single mom and for the most part single parenthood is not much harder an double teaming!!!

Kim

Gemini Cricket
11-05-2001, 08:30 PM
My partner and I have been together for 4 years. He's into the idea as well. We'd be great co-Dads.

missnrowdy- I think the foster parent idea is a great idea. I have a little sister who is eleven years younger than myself. Helping out with the new baby was a lovely experience. We became very close and love each other dearly.

Morrigoon- The older child idea is noble and very much worth considering. I've often wondered what becomes of the toddlers and teens in orphanages.

I've had two long time girl friends of mine approach me and offer to be surrogate mothers for me. I don't know psychologically how that would weigh on them though.

stinkerbell
11-07-2001, 12:49 PM
I wasn't going to post this as it has nothing to do with DL, but be careful with the surrogate thing. The emotional impact would be huge, esp. as these women are close to you. Can you imagine if after a year or two, she decided she didn't want to sit on the sidelines anymore--that she wants to be full-time mom? And legally it's so sticky. The reason I'm posting is that I know a couple (that I've long admired) who are co-moms of two girls. Both women are biological mothers of one daughter each and the girls have the same dad. The couple is now splitting up and the dad wants to get involved with both girls. All I'm saying is, if you can, adopt. All the love is there and yes, there can be messy legal situations, too, but the kids are out there and need homes already.

MouseWife
11-27-2001, 03:11 PM
On the being like your parents.

Well. Big fear of mine AND my husbands.

So, we tried to be nothing like them.

But, we forgot the good things. Yeah, we didn't want to
beat on them or be ridiculously strict or narrow minded.
Or, treat the daughter a certain way and the sons another.
The two older ones {girl & boy} played dolls and Barbies together. Of course, when he got older, G.I. Joe was stalking
Barbie and attacking her. But, that's another story.......

Anywho. We forgot that we definitely had to be strict, to an
extent. That we did have to teach them about narrow minded
people, for their own good. Can't protect them from everything.

Okay, back to the topic, fearing to be like your parents deciding whether or not you have kids. My husband was the one who was extremely afraid. I never said never because I was afraid of raising them, I just saw the film in Sex Ed and I was like Agh!!!!!!

He is the happiest Dad, the best Dad, the most loving Dad. At Thanksgiving, when we said Grace, he said he never imagined that he would be so lucky to have the kids he has. He could never imagine not having them in his life.

This from the guy who said to me, No way! I am afraid to be like my dad.

Good luck.

Gemini Cricket
11-27-2001, 03:32 PM
Originally posted by MouseWife
On the being like your parents.

Well. Big fear of mine AND my husbands.

So, we tried to be nothing like them.

But, we forgot the good things. Yeah, we didn't want to
beat on them or be ridiculously strict or narrow minded.
Or, treat the daughter a certain way and the sons another.
The two older ones {girl & boy} played dolls and Barbies together. Of course, when he got older, G.I. Joe was stalking
Barbie and attacking her. But, that's another story.......

Anywho. We forgot that we definitely had to be strict, to an
extent. That we did have to teach them about narrow minded
people, for their own good. Can't protect them from everything.

Okay, back to the topic, fearing to be like your parents deciding whether or not you have kids. My husband was the one who was extremely afraid. I never said never because I was afraid of raising them, I just saw the film in Sex Ed and I was like Agh!!!!!!

He is the happiest Dad, the best Dad, the most loving Dad. At Thanksgiving, when we said Grace, he said he never imagined that he would be so lucky to have the kids he has. He could never imagine not having them in his life.

This from the guy who said to me, No way! I am afraid to be like my dad.

Good luck.

Thank you for your post. It's comforting to know that people have the same feelings I do. This thread has helped me immensely. Thoughts of babies still dance in my head. You never know what the future might bring...
;)

Lani
11-27-2001, 04:13 PM
Originally posted by stinkerbell
I wasn't going to post this as it has nothing to do with DL, but be careful with the surrogate thing.And unfortunately, our courts tend to side with the bioparents no matter how ridiculous the argument. The "blood is thicker than water" does not always wash, in my book. But the courts don't usually see it that way, so please be careful! :)

brian
12-06-2001, 05:11 AM
Originally posted by missnrowdy
Adoption can be a wild ride make sure you know what your getting yourself into.

LOL... you're not kidding! Check out this story... right here on MousePlanet!

Michael's Story (http://www.mouseplanet.com/dtp/archive/other/michael.htm)

mad4mky
12-06-2001, 09:04 AM
Brian,
I just read your story. Tear jerker...and I am glad all has finally worked out well. In our family, we too had an adoption story that was so sad.
My dear sister-in-law and husband tried for years to concieve. When they finally turned to adoption, they got the most precious little girl. I have to honestly say, she was one of the most adorable babies I had ever seen.

They had her for 4 months...the birth mother had been in Foster Care when she was pregnant, and gave her up. The day she turned 18, she got a lawyer, and my sister in law was notified that the birth mother wanted her baby back. Sad...
for the adoptive parents...and the child. How could this immature 18 year old look after this child? What kind of life would this precious girl have?
It was an awful time for everyone in our family.

Two years later...(through invitro) my sister in law gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. We love him dearly...but it was a long rough road till he finally came.

zapppop
12-07-2001, 04:00 PM
I keep thinking about having kids ever since I turned 21.