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CrayZforDisney
06-01-2003, 04:34 PM
Hmmm...

I know this has been a topic before, but I just wanted a more updated, new version. ( That is why I added "2" to the title)

When Disneyland opened in 1955, the Jungle Cruise was a serious ride. You actually went on a serious African adventure. However, due to the aging attraction, in the 60's, Jungle Cruise was refurbished to be more humorous. It contained more scenes, and a skipper's speil to make the ride more enjoyable. And today it is still making guests laugh (hopefully).

So, what is your favorite Jungle Cruise joke?

Mine are:

1) If you enjoyed your ride my name is Matthew, and this is the Jungle Cruise. If you didn't enjoy your ride, my name is John, and this is Submarine Voyage.

2) During the night Jungle Cruise: Do you hear that noise ( bird noises squeal overhead) ? Do you know what that's coming from? Up there! (skipper directs light to a speaker in the trees)

3) Please wait until a cast member is at the dock to help you exit the boat. The other day there was a lady who fell into the water, and there were no cast members around to laugh at her!

Any more Jungle Cruise jokes you enjoy?

DisneyFan25863
06-01-2003, 05:01 PM
Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control...the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening...Thank you.
Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting...veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.
Let's get one thing straight...if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I'd like you to meet your new captain [looking at nearby guest]...What did you say your name was?
Come on to the front kids...You know I love kids...a little BBQ sauce, mustard, and catsup always helps though.
Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I'm you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!
[Pointing to pillars] This was the Walt Disney Company's first attempt at a monorail system.
Look at that! It's a large Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to leap over FIVE THOUSAND feet in order to catch their prey. That is...when you throw them out of an airplane.
Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.
And now we come upon a jungle encampment. It's being overrun by a bunch of women wearing fur coats. [Pause] Hey! Those are gorillas! [pause] dressed up as women wearing fur coats.
Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one, there's one... [Point left, point rear left, point right, etc]
Over there is Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous Dr. Albert Falls.
We've now turned down the Nile river--the longest river in all of Anaheim. That's right a whole 200 feet.
On the left bank there-it's a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull, the second most feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in the jungle--his mother-in-law.
Ok everyone, here are the Monkeys, wave to the Monkeys... [silence] Ah, well, you see, they would wave back, but their hands are glued to the rocks.
If we're all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. [Low voice] Shhh--be real quite now...listen ....[leaning out of boat, yells] "Hey mom!"
You've all probably heard that the hippos are only dangerous when wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles...but that's not what really makes them dangerous. See it's actually the ritual they have of placing their young in the trees to forge on leaves until the grow to 6,000 pounds, then they cannon ball toward the boats, sinking them all 2 and 1/2 feet down to the bottom of the jungle floor. Oh look there's one now
Don't be afraid of the Hippos charging our boat and killing us all. You have to rememeber, this is Disney, after all. These boats are too expensive for them to allow somthing like that.
Disney has gone bankrupt, and we can't afford bullets anymore.
[As the Tribal Villagers are celebrating their kill of the lion] I think that lion is dead. Do you know how I can tell? Lions don't normally stand upside down.
Okay ladies and gentlemen the native usually attack from the right hand side of the boat. [Natives attack] Wait one minute here!!! What are you guys doing on the left side of the boat??? You know I told you to attack from the right and another thing what are you doing just standing looking stupid with those spears in your hand your supposed to throw them! Get back down and try that one again!
This is my good friend Sam, who runs the Cannibal Cafe. The last time I talked to Sam was at his cafe. I told that I didn't like his brother very much. He told me 'Next time, have the salad.'
Well, it's the end of the ride and now we return you to this magical, mystical place I like to call...in sick as much as possible.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your day at the largest human trap ever built by a mouse.
Please make sure you have all your children with you. We take children left behind over to It's a Small World, superglue their feet to the floor and force them to sing that song over and over and over and...
Please exit the boat the same way you entered...pushing and shoving.
Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time--I'm going to go again! [low voice]...and again, and again, and again...
Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle Cruise...it helps keeps the lines down.
We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that we call...work.
If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month... please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!



I love JC :fez:

10krbell
06-01-2003, 05:54 PM
It has been soo long since I've been on JC (can you believe dd doesn't like it?) A few of my favorites (bear with me I won't get them totally right)

~Oh look, the natives are involved in a Tribal dance. I may be able to translate (listens) You put your right foot in (pause) You put your right out...

~(coming out of the hippos)I'll scare them off (shoots gun into the air) Betcha didn't know hippos could climb trees! (ok thats from a LONG time ago when they still had guns!)

~Everyone...DUCK! DUCK! DUCK!!!!! No really look...ducks.

~Well, folks thanks for joining us on the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Now...GET OUT! Wait, we're at Disneyland and that wasn't polite...Please, GET OUT!

Icy Bacon
06-01-2003, 06:05 PM
"I'd like to thank the Orange County Prison Outreach program for letting me work here today with you and your children..."

(waving people off the boat) "Bye! Bye! Bye!...tickets to DCA!" :p

CrayZforDisney
06-01-2003, 07:14 PM
Originally posted by DisneyFan25863

Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control...the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening...Thank you.
Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting...veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.
Let's get one thing straight...if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I'd like you to meet your new captain [looking at nearby guest]...What did you say your name was?
Come on to the front kids...You know I love kids...a little BBQ sauce, mustard, and catsup always helps though.
Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I'm you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!
[Pointing to pillars] This was the Walt Disney Company's first attempt at a monorail system.
Look at that! It's a large Bengal Tiger. Now, Bengal Tigers are known to leap over FIVE THOUSAND feet in order to catch their prey. That is...when you throw them out of an airplane.
Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.
And now we come upon a jungle encampment. It's being overrun by a bunch of women wearing fur coats. [Pause] Hey! Those are gorillas! [pause] dressed up as women wearing fur coats.
Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one, there's one... [Point left, point rear left, point right, etc]
Over there is Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous Dr. Albert Falls.
We've now turned down the Nile river--the longest river in all of Anaheim. That's right a whole 200 feet.
On the left bank there-it's a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull, the second most feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in the jungle--his mother-in-law.
Ok everyone, here are the Monkeys, wave to the Monkeys... [silence] Ah, well, you see, they would wave back, but their hands are glued to the rocks.
If we're all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. [Low voice] Shhh--be real quite now...listen ....[leaning out of boat, yells] "Hey mom!"
You've all probably heard that the hippos are only dangerous when wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles...but that's not what really makes them dangerous. See it's actually the ritual they have of placing their young in the trees to forge on leaves until the grow to 6,000 pounds, then they cannon ball toward the boats, sinking them all 2 and 1/2 feet down to the bottom of the jungle floor. Oh look there's one now
Don't be afraid of the Hippos charging our boat and killing us all. You have to rememeber, this is Disney, after all. These boats are too expensive for them to allow somthing like that.
Disney has gone bankrupt, and we can't afford bullets anymore.
[As the Tribal Villagers are celebrating their kill of the lion] I think that lion is dead. Do you know how I can tell? Lions don't normally stand upside down.
Okay ladies and gentlemen the native usually attack from the right hand side of the boat. [Natives attack] Wait one minute here!!! What are you guys doing on the left side of the boat??? You know I told you to attack from the right and another thing what are you doing just standing looking stupid with those spears in your hand your supposed to throw them! Get back down and try that one again!
This is my good friend Sam, who runs the Cannibal Cafe. The last time I talked to Sam was at his cafe. I told that I didn't like his brother very much. He told me 'Next time, have the salad.'
Well, it's the end of the ride and now we return you to this magical, mystical place I like to call...in sick as much as possible.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your day at the largest human trap ever built by a mouse.
Please make sure you have all your children with you. We take children left behind over to It's a Small World, superglue their feet to the floor and force them to sing that song over and over and over and...
Please exit the boat the same way you entered...pushing and shoving.
Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time--I'm going to go again! [low voice]...and again, and again, and again...
Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle Cruise...it helps keeps the lines down.
We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that we call...work.
If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month... please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!



I love JC :fez:

Wow! I especially like the first one, the fifth one, the sixth one, the eight one, and the third from the last one.

CrayZforDisney
06-01-2003, 07:17 PM
Originally posted by 10krbell
It has been soo long since I've been on JC (can you believe dd doesn't like it?) A few of my favorites (bear with me I won't get them totally right)

~Oh look, the natives are involved in a Tribal dance. I may be able to translate (listens) You put your right foot in (pause) You put your right out...

~(coming out of the hippos)I'll scare them off (shoots gun into the air) Betcha didn't know hippos could climb trees! (ok thats from a LONG time ago when they still had guns!)

~Everyone...DUCK! DUCK! DUCK!!!!! No really look...ducks.

~Well, folks thanks for joining us on the World Famous Jungle Cruise. Now...GET OUT! Wait, we're at Disneyland and that wasn't polite...Please, GET OUT!

I forgot about the Tribal Dance one. That one is hilarious! Also, I forgot one other joke that I especially like:

At the Walt Disney World Jungle Cruise there is only a one story queing line. The skipper says "Look at all those people waiting in line! And they haven't reached the second story yet (moans from the line) !

swtkissez
06-01-2003, 07:18 PM
Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I'm you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!


I hope you enjoy the rest of your day at the largest human trap ever built by a mouse

These are the best, i was rolling on the floor as i told them to my roomie. we love 'em!:D

CrayZforDisney
06-01-2003, 07:18 PM
Originally posted by Icy Bacon
"I'd like to thank the Orange County Prison Outreach program for letting me work here today with you and your children..."

(waving people off the boat) "Bye! Bye! Bye!...tickets to DCA!" :p

I love the jail one! Thank You so much for all of your contributions to this thread, everyone!

Polar33
06-01-2003, 09:51 PM
Originally posted by CrayZforDisney
At the Walt Disney World Jungle Cruise there is only a one story queing line. The skipper says "Look at all those people waiting in line! And they haven't reached the second story yet (moans from the line) !

LOL, that would have been a good one if it wasn't a walk-on wait time when I went on the "Other World Famous Jungle Cruise", as my skipper called it that day.

The funniest joke I remember from that trip however was when the boat was about to enter the temple ruins type building.

"And now we are about to enter the temple ruins, you never know what we might discover. It could be valuable riches, it could be eternal youth...but knowing Disney it's probably a gift shop so lets go on in." :D

DisneyDustin22
06-02-2003, 12:15 PM
probably the best joke i heard on the jungle cruise was last summer...i forgot the cm's name, but this is what he did...as the boat pulled from the dock, he started his usual speech...when we got to the tiger, he did the typical bengal tiger routine, then at the end, added this line - "...weighs over 2,000 pounds and can leap 200ft."...he then went on and added that line at the end of every stop on the ride, including the monkeys, elephants, lions, waterfall!, you name it...it just made it funny b/c afetr the 5th or 6th time, you knew it was coming, and everyone started laughing...and what made it so great, is that he said everything in the same tone, like you would hear on some sort of educational video...it was quite entertaining.

iAmJacksDLand
06-02-2003, 12:53 PM
I went last night, and while I'm not a huge fan of female skippers who do the starched pigtale crack, she had me on the floor laughing my glutimus maximus off. I particulary enjoyed her attempt at the sleeping zebra joke, when she said, "There must be a lot of confusion in eating a zebra... light meat, dark meat, light meat, dark meat." I thought that was good, and I'd never heard it before.

She also said some unallowed jokes, like the ancient ruins being Disneys first try at a monorail system. She also did a great end speil combining the english and spanish exit prerecorded speils, and a whole bit about the boat storage area being her house, with her mother on the second floor. She did a whole Physcho joke.

Quite hilarious. She reinstilled my faith in female skippers.

femmfaerie
06-02-2003, 01:46 PM
One of my favorite jokes is then we passed the Lions gathered around the Zebra the CM said " Look, how sweet the Lions are watching over the sleeping zebra".
A poem a CM recited when we got back to the doc "Roses are red, violets are blue - GET OUT"

I've only heard this once - I think last October
When we got back to the Doc the female driver was talking about her mom being danish and her dad (some other type of bread) she threw out a few more bread jokes then she said donut stop me I'm on a roll - does any one have any idea what I am talking about?

DisneyFan25863
06-02-2003, 04:36 PM
Originally posted by femmfaerie
I've only heard this once - I think last October
When we got back to the Doc the female driver was talking about her mom being danish and her dad (some other type of bread) she threw out a few more bread jokes then she said donut stop me I'm on a roll - does any one have any idea what I am talking about?

Was it somthing like "Ok everyone rise like bread. Don't loaf around. I know this job isn't much, but it's the yeast I can do for the dough I make. I guess I'm really on a roll here. "

mad4mky
06-02-2003, 04:43 PM
The funniest I heard was when I was there about 3 weeks ago.

The CM (I knew his name...for about a week)...and he hopped up on the engine as we approached the boa with the water buffalo, and acted like Steve Irwin (ya know...the Crocodile Hunter???)...and started talking like him, and acting like him..."danger, danger, danger..."

He had me in stitches...

He also did a stint, that we were actually on a Star Cruiser from Star Tours...and he acted like the Rebel Fighter talking to us over the intercom...That too was a hoot.

That was the best Jungle Cruise I have ever, ever been on. Too bad, as little as I get to go to DLR...I won't probably ever get him again...but oh boy, was he funny.:D

cemeinke
06-02-2003, 06:06 PM
Originally posted by iAmJacksDLand
I went last night, and while I'm not a huge fan of female skippers who do the starched pigtale crack, she had me on the floor laughing my glutimus maximus off. I particulary enjoyed her attempt at the sleeping zebra joke, when she said, "There must be a lot of confusion in eating a zebra... light meat, dark meat, light meat, dark meat." I thought that was good, and I'd never heard it before.

She also said some unallowed jokes, like the ancient ruins being Disneys first try at a monorail system. She also did a great end speil combining the english and spanish exit prerecorded speils, and a whole bit about the boat storage area being her house, with her mother on the second floor. She did a whole Physcho joke.

Quite hilarious. She reinstilled my faith in female skippers.

She's one of my favorites - I particularly enjoy her jurasic park/hippo pool routine as well as her Star Tours/Jungle Cruise Fusion. We always try to ride in her boat when she's there.

goofey
06-03-2003, 10:36 PM
rolling up behind Schweitzer Falls, the skipper flashes the boat's lights and his flashlight at the waterfall, makes some fake Disney-esque musical sounds, and says, "ladies and gentlemen, this is the river show Fantasmic."

i've only heard this one once, and that was only because the friends i was with had heard it before and requested it.

Lashbear
06-04-2003, 12:19 AM
Just to extend one (Which I got from the female skipper with "Those" Pigtails):

We've now turned down the Nile river--the longest river in all of Anaheim. That's right a whole 200 feet.
...And I you don't believe me, you must be in De-Nile

Also, in the queue-house: Attention everybody, could I ask you all to raise your left foot and stamp it?... Thank you, and now raise your right foot and stamp it?.... Thank you very much. One of our poisonous snakes escaped, but I'm sure that took care of him ! :D

Cheers,
Rob

101 in the hippo pool
06-04-2003, 02:25 PM
DisneyFan25863, those were some great jokes and brought back a lot of memories for me. When I was trying to write out all the grad night spiel jokes I knew I was forgetting a ton (it's been 8 years!). With your permission I am going to slap some of these on my website!

Hijinks! (http://weebledetelli.tripod.com/hijinksinthemousehouse)

sydney
06-04-2003, 02:51 PM
my favorite is while going by the temple of the forbidden eye: "Many people don't know it, but this temple was modeled after the famed arts and crafts movement in california..."


It's funny to those of us who have taken one too many trips on the mickey and friends tram. :)

SNL Addict
06-04-2003, 02:52 PM
Last summer i was on the ride at the hippo scene and the skipper was like "Oh no the Hippos are coming right at us! If only we had something to defend ourselves" Some guy in the front row was like "use the gun the gun" the skipper said "somthing like a gun...I miss those" the guy was really amd they ocult use the guns, not the skipper, the guy. But that skipper was Hilarious!

DisneyFan25863
06-04-2003, 03:18 PM
Originally posted by 101_in_the_hippo_pool
DisneyFan25863, those were some great jokes and brought back a lot of memories for me. When I was trying to write out all the grad night spiel jokes I knew I was forgetting a ton (it's been 8 years!). With your permission I am going to slap some of these on my website!

Hijinks! (http://weebledetelli.tripod.com/hijinksinthemousehouse)

Sure!

Minnie1955
06-04-2003, 07:13 PM
Originally posted by mad4mky
The funniest I heard was when I was there about 3 weeks ago.

The CM (I knew his name...for about a week)...and he hopped up on the engine as we approached the boa with the water buffalo, and acted like Steve Irwin (ya know...the Crocodile Hunter???)...and started talking like him, and acting like him..."danger, danger, danger..."

He had me in stitches...

He also did a stint, that we were actually on a Star Cruiser from Star Tours...and he acted like the Rebel Fighter talking to us over the intercom...That too was a hoot.

That was the best Jungle Cruise I have ever, ever been on. Too bad, as little as I get to go to DLR...I won't probably ever get him again...but oh boy, was he funny.:D



Was it Joey?! He really is hilarious. :D I didn't see him on my last trip out there (it was about 3 weeks ago too)... sucks I missed out on him :(

Not Afraid
06-04-2003, 07:20 PM
Originally posted by Minnie1955
Was it Joey?! He really is hilarious. :D I didn't see him on my last trip out there (it was about 3 weeks ago too)... sucks I missed out on him :(

Joey is AWSOME. One of my other favorites is gone,:crying: but I've discovered someone irreverent to replace him - he shall remain nameless (or namels if we're being mean and silly). The girl with the braids, S*****, is also it the top 5 pantheon.

iAmJacksDLand
06-04-2003, 09:09 PM
That girl! With the braids! S*****! She was the one! She is excellent!

Like I said, she reinstilled my faith in female skippers. And I had only lost the faith that same morning... cool.

lindyhop
06-05-2003, 07:21 PM
This was one night in April I think. The skipper pulled the boat up along side where everyone exits from Indy and turned the lights off. We were supposed to be very quiet and when a big group of unsuspecting people walked by we would yell and scream and scare them. Unfortunately just one or two people were walking out at a time and they would peer at us in the dark and ask if something was wrong. The skipper kept shooing them away saying they would ruin everything. Finally a bigger group came out and we yelled and screamed and maybe startled them. The waiting in the dark part was actually the most fun.

Another time the skipper told us Indy was actually the most popular bathroom in Disneyland. Then he kept yelling to people leaving the ride "how was it" and "how did everything come out" and everyone smiled back and waved and said "just fine."

And then there was "Please don't take photographs while you're waiting in line. They're nailed to the wall for a reason."